Staying, going, going, staying. I've done it now, I've decided.
It's those principles see; I felt as if being here with all it's horrifically overconsuming ways - £300 Tesco shop every week, manicured, clipped and landscaped garden, print every email twice - was wrong, cos, you know, I'm a hippie and so I should be living in a yurt somewhere, plaiting hair and condemning places like this as a part of Babylon and all its horrors.
The thing that helped to resolve my thoughts was a drunken argument with a cocky 21 year old, one of the outdoor workers who lives here during the week. I've been trying to hold back from voicing my thoughts about the horrible, needless waste of resources that happens here, there's no point in going off at individuals about the small things that happen every day when what I'm actually angry about is the whole thing. But still, there's anger there. The other day, one of the guys in the office changed the inks in the printer before they were empty.....because the computer told him they were running low. I had to go for a ten minute walk in the garden to calm down.
Laughable? Probably. But still, I blurted out this story and others to C, the cocky fella and he got really annoyed with me. Said I was deliberately making myself miserable and if I hated it so much I should just leave.
Why are you here? he said, You're here for the money, just like everyone else and if you deny it then you're a hypocrite.
The conversation continued in this vein, back and forth, until suddenly, out of nowhere, he said 'You think you're better than me don't you'.
And the answer that came bubbling up from within me was Yes.
There's no point in me even describing this person. Why? So you could make up your own mind about whether I'm better than him or not. Pointless. My answer was yes, that's all that matters. My moral, ecological, hippie equality, beautiful world view point? Gone. Swept away. I woke up the next morning with a bad head and the knowledge that he was right. I have been silently holding myself to be some paragon of virtue but I am actually a judgemental hypocrite.
To judge something is to separate yourself from it and that is one of the states I am trying to get rid of on this thing I'm doing. Adventure, journey, whatever the fuck it is.
I can't be here at this place, hating it, waiting for my life to start when I leave. There is no better life, no greener grass, there is only my existence right now and I need to stop separating myself from it.
So it's for this reason that I've decided to stay. I can't just whinge and waltz off because this place doesn't fit my internal image of how my life should be. Should I go and sit smugly encased in my moral walled garden and tell myself I was right all along....never learning anything about myself or changing at all.
I'm signed up here until the beginning of May, I don't like it all the time; some days it's horrible here. Right now (actually 3 days ago now, I am terribly slow at writing blogs), I'm on day 15 in a row of working 12 hours a day, people are shouting at me for no reason, the cat pissed on the carpet and I had to clean it up, I'm stuck inside on a beautiful Spring day printing stuff from the internet about strimmers and polytunnels that will get looked at once then recycled, the list goes on.
But I am here, and I will take what I can out of each moment.
The sun is shining and there are nice people around me, if only I stop to look at them properly.
This post has been slowly coming together for a couple of weeks. I accepted the job ten days ago, it's the reasoning behind it that has taken longer to express.
Carrot Quinn's amazing post on living in the Now tells a way more eloquent story than I ever could.
But the amazing things that have happened today are....last night I opened for the first time, a book that a friend reccommended to me - The Miracle of Mindfulness. I didn't know what the title meant, I'd never heard the word before...and lo and behold. It's about living in the Now! Hurray!
Then, today, I met a lovely woman who has been living in India and Thailand for the last 5 years, she's going to come and work at the farm with me.....and out of the blue she mentioned mindfulness too and we had lunch together outside in the sunshine and talked about synchronicity. Hurray!