Because all things should be in equilibrium.
What are the good things about being here?
I love finding a connection with people - no matter who they are and how different they are to me. It's as if everyone has a key to their inner selves, the parts that are running them under the surface and if I am patient enough I will find it and understand them.
Every person contains something unseen, every interaction has something to understand - like the cleaner here who is a stone cold bitch to everyone, disliked and ignored by most people....last week, when she shouted at me at 7.30 in the morning and I decided not to get angry but to talk quietly in return, after I waited and negotiated and was quiet for long enough she told me about how she'd just come straight from a night shift at a care home where she'd been cleaning and laying out an old lady who died overnight. I don't like her any more for it, well I do a bit but not much, she can be really mean to people, but I do feel better that I got to the point where she said that to me. There are lots of different people here, a mix of nationalities to learn from, a mix of ages and viewpoints. People who grew up in the tail end of communism in Eastern Europe - if I can get through their anger and sexism, there are things to learn from them. Others, young boys, being kept out of prison by a benevolent employer - I can find common ground. And I do.
The woman at the centre of this craziness is a genuinely lovely person, she's just got some pretty wasteful ways. If she was even a little bit of a bad person I'd have fucked off ages ago but she isn't. She is kind, generous, compassionate and caring. She's just got some fucked up consumption habits that she doesn't know how to stop. In fact, she just doesn't know how to stop doing anything - working, being busy, buying things, having meetings, attending seminars, whatever. I never see her sitting down, she eats standing up. She gets up and starts working at 5 am. If she would only sit down and breathe for a while. But she never does. But that is a sad thing, not a bad thing. I like her, I want to help her.
It feels good to be organised, even on someone else's behalf. I'm pretty scatty in my own life, not really bothered by mess or lateness or schedules of behaviour. However, somewhere in my brain is this really logistical, organised part that I can switch on at will. When I'm given 20 little pieces of paper with notes scrawled on them and I can look at this mess and form it into something organised that is a week in the life of this house...it makes me feel good. It's as if this woman throws out a tangled, complicated web that is her life and I catch all the little strands and help weave them into something comprehensible called a household.
I'm getting some good work on the side as a life model, really well paid and really enjoyable. I'm doing yoga twice a week with a really good teacher, the best I've ever had. Because so little of my time is given to myself, the things that I do for ME are really, really meaningful. I am loving the yoga and how good it feels to be in my body, strectching all the little muscles a bit at a time. Then I can take that over to the life modelling work. On Saturday, while 10 people sat around drawing me, I walked naked around a room for an hour, slowly stretching every muscle in my body....then I stayed completely and utterly still for two hours. After the class I spent another 2 hours with one guy, chatting to him while he painted me. Brilliant! I felt great afterwards, there was a real calm and open space in the centre of my body.
It's safe and warm and I am fed here. I have no needs or worries about survival.
I am saving 90% of my wages - where else could I do that so easily? No rent, no bills, no worries. I just walked into this job and I will walk out again, easily.
I am using my skills here, I am learning about myself and about other people. This time is hard but it is not wasted.
If I take on this task and finish it - I will have succeeded at something really difficult for me to do. I won't have whinged that it wasn't right for me and walked away, I will have gritted my teeth and done it.
Maybe I just need to rant - it's been building for a while. I spoke to my AMAZING sister last night - she always gives me calm balance in return for my overwrought chattering.
The lady doesn't want an answer for a week, maybe I'll just let it percolate and see what answer comes out of my unconscious - I mean that's the part of me I need to listen to. Forget the rabbit brain that will keep talking and reasoning until the end of time, what about my inner tortoise? What does she say?