Tuesday, 14 December 2010

the car and the caterpillar

this is a story about how, once upon a time, I was walking down a sunny country road, a back road, no cars, no traffic, when I saw a caterpillar squirming onto the road in front of me.

No, it´s not. There are no stories right now. No flights, no words. Just grit and teeth and tiredness. No energy for flights of fantasy, just enough to keep living, day to day, waiting for the end of this particular piece of my life.

lost my mojo....my centre. Never assume, I think this phrase forms part of general received wisom about the state of things. I think I forgot this. Also, blinkers will blind you to the entire world behind you, it´s just waiting to receive your tired mind and body with its open patient arms.
Focusing too much on the bad energy, putting more of yours towards it to try and get your centre back. Ugliness is not yours to keep, whether received or taken in recompense, let it all go and you will build yourself back again, clean, refreshed, slowly.

Or, in literal terms. What a shitty two months. Working for nothing when I thought I would receive money.

"No, we won´t pay you. Because we never were going to pay you. We just didn´t tell you."

And so, to fight on after the final bell is to cling to an assumption, the assumption that I entered this situation as an equal. But it never was that way. Not this time. And there is nothing I can do about that.

No contracts, no legality, just word of mouth and I am invisible like a squashed fly.

So I have to walk away and breathe and look to where I can feel free again. I´m only writing this because I haven´t written anything in two months. And this is the only collected stream of thoughts that I have. All my writings go into letters, I don´t keep things with me. I send out fragments of a picture of me; a jigsaw, never to be completed. Each friend has a different piece.

It´s not that things are different now, it is only that I have forgotten that they are the same. I am still strong, I am still free, the mountains and the sea are all here, ready for me. So I walk away, and I breathe, and I remember to think about Now, again.


Tara said...

Revenge can be sweet.

Nikki (www.bookpunks.com) said...

Well that sounds incredibly shitty. But right on with the last part and ditto on what Tara said, perhaps, though I don't know the details. Grrr.

haveyouseenthisgirl said...

bwoah, thanks both. I decided against revenge. Doing bad things because someone else has made you feel bad. It would have been so easy.....and not stealing as much as I could before they kicked me out took a lot of effort!! But I´m glad I didn´t.

I´ve moved away now, with friends and the tension has flowed out of me. Here´s to the future...